cages, floods and lovemaking

dear love,

I made love,
today. I grew roots
deep, brown. I am floods and I
sit in cages.

I am sitting on the black couch in the livingroom and my belly is full with potatoes, and it hurts, and my shoulders hurt too. Listening to Amy Winehouse. What a funny last name. I’ve been feeling so claustrophobic lately, it’s like there is no space to breathe in this new lifestyle of mine and I still have to learn how to relax in the craziness. I hope it’ll happen soon. I am angry and ashamed of how he treats me and how I let myself be treated and I just decide: Ari, you let him go. He bad. You let go. You good. You gotta, so that new can come in. It was a cool experience and I’d do it again exactly the same way, just that now, it’s enough.

I feel like I am suppressing myself. My true nature and my instincts. It’s kind of sad to write it like this, but it’s the truth. I’m sad that the winters suck so much here, the grey skies make me feel the difference in my mood. My shoulders tense, still. Connected to my stomach.

I feel shme because of him, I feel tired because of robot-like life, I feel tired of the bus rides and the car sounds I hear every single day, I have enough of walking aimlessly through campus, I have enough of walking through you-bee-sea, I feel tense with the people I know now, I feel like I constrain myself and cannot be my actual self, I feel like I have to put on this mask every morning when waking up convincing myself of the fact that I will like what will come but in fact, I don’t.

I am not that excited for what has to come. Everyday, same day, same grey, same clouds, same bus ride, same people, same places, same thoughts in my head, same patterns in my mind, same trying to be better, same trying to be awesome even in this lifestyle, still trying to not cry when I want to cry.

I feel in a cage. This house is a cage. These people are a cage. The “studies” are a cage. I am in a cage, while I’m NOT SUPPOSED to be in one. I lived free, and I want to continue that way. And here it comes, the positive:

Freedom is a state of mind, however. I am here because I chose to be, and I can change this any time. I gotta stay focused on the present moment because that’s the only true reality, really. I cannot let it pass by because otherwise love will pass by and I will not be able to taste it, to be it, to grasp it.

Love is the present moment.
Relax is the present moment.
Happiness is the slow, tender, juicy present moment. Hot and wet, skin-like and sweaty, warm present moment, like your skin on mine when we have sex, breathing heavily, together.

You are on top of me and I am inside you, am I, or are you? What are borders, anyways? I see your edges and lick your shoulder as you gently blow hot lava into me, and I erupt like the volcano you make me become every time you touch
me . I breathe.
All I hear is your breath in me. My ears, endless oceans
drops of water
one two, how long has it been, when did we ever become two

Have I ever made love? No.
I want to.

Have I ever loved? Yes.
I don’t anymore.

I am empty and I don’t love, I am jealous and fearful and in a cage, and Love doesn’t like cages, it avoids them, it lives outside of them. Also, Love wants to be felt, and it is waiting for me right outside the door, at the door steps, peaking inside, not touching the gates, tending its arm to me. I tend my arm, too. I tend my arm, I want to, need to, have to touch it, you, I go closer and reach my arm to touch you and

I fall and I am on the floor, touching the cold, golden gate posts and I
I cry, why does it have to hurt so
much I don’t
understand. I stand
up again I
cry, crying melt into the
gate posts and I become one with the cage. I am
the cage, now.
Where are you?
I am the cage that cages me in I am the flood that breaks me within I am the gentle
caress of the wind on my cheek
I am hurt.

I want to step outside but something has to shift
first, maybe my eyes’ gaze
towards the sun. Maybe the sun itself
towards my heart. Heart open, break
free

I want to break free.
I want to live, truly free
And I guess that maybe that’s the time
of my life
where I’m breaking.

Cause I guess that maybe
that’s the time
of my life where
I’m breaking?

You tell me.

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