October

An online diary. What a beautiful thing.

The ways and tools I express my emotions shifted throughout time and I loved observing them change with every new phase of my life.

It once has been painting, then it shifted to inspiational writing, then photography, then poetry took over my life and, very surprisingly to me, I started dancing dancing dancing and lastly there was singing and composing electronic music. It has all been so satisfying and each art product brings something different to the plate.

Many tools of expression have been through the computer and/or internet, especially through the use of social media, and I recently decided to cut on the electronic media and put more work in the 3D (or multi-D, however you want to call it) reality, the one where my body’s at. And it has been much more satisfying and practical, hard to adapt to, but so worth it. Being a millennial I grew up using a laptop to express myself, and I found that I love doing it without one.

Life in Rome is beautiful, it is new, old, hard and easy at the same time. The traditions and rituals of everyday roman life make me remember the me I was when living in this city and among these peoples for the last time that is — when I was 19 and preparing to graduate high school. I love the new experience of this place, the one lived through my new eyes of today, eyes of a traveler, grown young adult woman, explorer of different civilizations and of my inner self. And now, I am here, in the same place I was birthed, as a completely different person.

Family is warm and when everything else fails, it is there.
The city is chaotic but it is soo funny and so beautiful to belong to a society.
Nature is still here and I am doing what I can to stay true to my animal/natural side while living among concrete.
Life as a grown-up is full of choices and responsabilities, but it’s my main source of contentment and pride.
It is hard but it is oh so satisfying.

My main goal now is to educate myself in terms of learning an actual, real, hands-on quality and profession and skill, whose knowledge I can then mold with my own creativity and ideas and give birth to something new and helpful to the human societies of today. I am studying landscape design and I then wish to add my permaculture studies to it so to find a way to plan and build sustainable living and shared spaces that make it possible for the modern human to live in tune with the natural cycles and rhythms of the Earth.

That is my dream.
That is where I put my sweat and all of my time into.
That is my passion and maybe purpose in my lifetime.

What other purposes do I have here? I asked myself many times.

For now, the answers are:
1. staying true to my inner core self and values, my own individuality and perfect beautiful being while living and doing things
2. living with people and sharing my life with a tribe, a society, a family, because alone it is pointless to live
3. learning all I can to help the future generations of Earthlings, including my children and their children, to live a balanced and healthy life on Earth, in tune with the knowledge of the ancestors, the natural cycles, the spirit world, and all modern technologies that can help us in powerful ways
4. sharing my art and expressions with others
5. inspiring through my lifestyle and everyday actions
6. drinking, eating, peeing, pooping, walking barefoot, making love, looking at trees, dancing in the wild, praying to the moon, having cacao ceremonies and sisterhood gatherings, living in an ecovillage, birthing and raising natives, sharing life with dogs and wolves, being kind, laughing, crying, learning, sharing, talking, writing, painting, singing, playing the drums and guitar, connecting to other beings, tending the garden, planting plants, loving plants, loving the Earth, and lastly but most importantly, feeling the wind on my skin

and that is pretty much why I am here,
at least that’s what I think for now.

I don’t crave the extraordinary,
I am satisfied with the little and with the humanly ordinary.
Daily miracles of breath and rest.
Daily miracles of sweat and work.
Daily miracles of connection and love.

It all is because of love, in the end.

The struggle I am feeling now,
the way I don’t understand myself,
the way I ponder and ask why,
the way I don’t understand why this is happening to me and all over again,
the way I wish to change and be different,
the way I wish to connect to my beloved and the pain it stirs in me,
the way I wish to belong and be loved for who I am and the way it scares the shit out of me,
the way I feel out of place and the way I walk on the streets thinking everybody’s watching me,
the way I wish to get a dog and the way I don’t,
the way I want to write and share my thoughts and the feelings from the past it brings out in me,
the way I am undecided and the way I cry all the time,
the way I am scared I am failing myself and others,
the way I want to be perfect and untouchable and the way I just can’t,
the way I do giant efforts to take care of me and love the heck out of every imperfection and perfection that is me and the way I succeed in it and the way it again scares the shit out of me,
the way I can feel the enormous and endless power, energy and love that is infinite and immense inside of my heart, my mind, my brain, my spirit and my body,
the way my body aches and the way I try to heal it,
the way I love others and the way I forgot how to let them know,
the way I am trying to put my me back together,
the way I am trying to collect all the broken pieces that are me and that are shattered on the ground and the way I am finding more and more of them,
the way I am walking on this Earth,
the way I hide and the way I want to be exposed at the same time,
the way I want to feel safe and not vulnerable and at the same time expect people to pour their love over me,
the way I think things will come to me without effort and the way I know instead that I have to do the work,
the way I’m lazy and wish that I could just lay on the sofa and be fulfilled and the way I know I have to get out there and be vulnerable in  the face of my fears,
the way I am learning and resting a little more each day,
the way I have come to terms with so many confusing things over the past 12 months,
the way I break and break and break all over again and again and again and the way I pick myself up again and again and again and the way I think I don’t got myself and the way I actually, really do all the time,
the way this is all me right now,
and the way this is all I am,

is all because of love
and it makes me be speechless in front of this inexplicable, incredible, loving, beautiful miracle.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Ari, I love you.
You have given me every little thing.
You have been there from the start and always will be until the very end.
You betrayed me so I could love me more.
You abandoned me so I could learn how to find myself again.
You hated me so I could see my actual perfection.
You left so I could come back.
You traveld so I could love home.
You went crazy so I could realize my health.
You hurt so I could learn. You loved so I could understand.
You listened to the Earth so I could know.
You sang and painted so I could rejoice. You fasted so I could appreciate nourishment.
You almost wished to die so I could be sure that I wanted to live.
You abandoned everybody so I could see how useless I am without them.
You abandoned me so I could crave myself back.

You did it all and you have been the greates, most intelligent and bravest companion I could have ever wished for.
You are all I need and all I will always want.
You are enough and I love you so much.

Thank you for carrying me along and for living this life with me, every breath, every death, every birth.

Yours truly,
Ari

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